Confessions of a Guilt-Ridden Human: The Self-Care Struggle

February Essay

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As it turns out, I suck at relaxing. It wasn't until a few years ago that a friend pointed out my inability to unwind. Apparently, writing and doing chores don't count as self-care. I struggle with the idea of doing "nothing" and feel guilty about it. Self-care feels like a reward I have to earn. When I want to treat myself, I question if I deserve it. I most definitely envy those who can enjoy self-care without overthinking it.

From the tender age of babyhood, I was indoctrinated with the idea that hard work in school leads to hard work in another school, which then unlocks the opportunity for hard work in a job. In the midst of all that, you squeeze in other (less significant) things (i.e. family, friends, your health, etc...). Despite not subscribing to this notion, it still seeped and took hold of my subconscious, which became more apparent when I stopped being graded for on assignments. While I hate to admit it, I often crave validation. I don’t have faith in my own capacity to do my best or do enough (an elusive word!). I rarely trust that I have skills worth sharing, even when friends that I trust recommend more for roles of seek my help on projects because they see me as a knowledgeable resource. These deeply ingrained self-perceptions have led me to burnout over and over again. Even when I know what will help me to reset, I hesitate because once again, have I truly earned it?

The other day in my acting class, someone said, "I don't think I did enough in my scene. I totally missed the boat on something." They had started spiraling and questioning their whole talent, even though they REGULARLY kick major ass. It's funny, in a very dark way, how we all go through that self-doubt, but we never realize others do too, especially when we think they've got it all together.

The whole "enough" thing comes up for me a lot in therapy. And yeah, I know, I've written about it before. I'm working on it, okay? I always feel like everyone else has their shit together and has achieved that magical level of "enough-ness" to be able to embrace their success and take ownership of their talents. Then I have an actual conversation with someone and am constantly reminded that we're all in the same boat. It would appear that I have the memory of a goldfish. Funny enough, one of my favorite quotes by Da Vinci, which I can absolutely quote because I got a degree in art history and this is what I have to show for those four years, is "art is never finished, only abandoned." In other words, there's always more to do, but at some point, we gotta walk away, or we'll never move on to anything else.

We all have this idea of what "enough" is, but it's a tricky thing because the closer we think we are, the further it moves. This illusion fuels my imposter syndrome. I always hesitate to label myself as a writer because I didn't formally study it, and English wasn't my native tongue. I didn't start learning grammar until I moved to the States at the ripe old age of eleven. Honestly, at that time, my main focus was fitting in and losing my accent. Calling myself an actor gives me pause because I haven't worked on a film or performed in a long-running production since 2022. Then there's social media management – I kind of stumbled into it a decade ago, but I've been dragging my feet on branching out into consulting. A good friend has been not-so-subtly nudging me for years to offer consulting to small businesses. I worry that I'm not as adept with analytics as I should be. I realize I hold myself back and don't advocate for what I deserve. I'm afraid of letting down those around me.

From a 1981 Article on Burnout

Burnout is a syndrome of emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and reduced personal accomplishment that can occur among individuals who do ‘people work’ of some kind.” - Burnout: The Cost of Caring by Christina Maslach

As a card-carrying member of the generation that witnessed the infiltration of technology into every nook and cranny of our existence, with only a faint recollection of a time before its reign, the concept of constant connectivity is an integral part of my daily existence. This tether to technology wasn't as sophisticated when I was a kid, or I would have likely stayed in touch with the friends I made while living in other countries. It's a bit ironic, though. This very technology that's meant to foster connection and communication often leaves me feeling overwhelmed and on the brink of burnout.